Sunday, January 29, 2012

Facing our Fears

One of the things I've really come to hate is accessing my port.  I became septic last September, from TPN and bad IV fluids, and went into shock 3x.  I had a life threatening infection called serratia in my blood.  Since then, using my port has become difficult for me.   I almost cried the first time I simply had to flush it!  All that is much easier now, but accessing is still a point of stress for me.

Today was my day to reaccess.  I have not been feeling well. and since I didn't have any IV fluids yesterday I was especially not well.  my blood sugar was jumping last night, and went as low as 52, so that was helping me feel shiny this AM either!

But as every week, I knew I just had to do it.  I did the things that make me feel as well as I could, and then set up and went through the process of accessing.  as I was washing my hands before beginning, I realized I wanted to for the first time in a long time.  I used to really not mind, and in that moment I felt lway more at peace about it.

God wants to give us strength in our fears - but sometimes He lets us go through a period of maybe having a hard time with something to learn to rely on Him.  I knew I couldn't access my port alone, I needed Him to help me wade through this difficult medical procedure with my weak hands and tired eyes, more than I realized it before as I'd gotten so comfortable with it.  Sepsis shook things up in my life.  Made me realize what was important all over again.  Made me want to really live, and made me feel more alive.

Each time I slide that huber needle into the hub of my port I am taking away some of the devil's strength, as he wants to grip me with fear and take me down!  But I can't let him, and neither can you.

What are some things you're afraid of?
I used to be terrified of dying, of doing medical procedures awake, of severe pain, of not being able to do the things I love.

I've almost died more than once, I've had scopes and tubes and needles stuck every which way while I was awake because of my dysmotility issues meaning no narcotics and anesthesia, and I can't do a lot of the things I used too.  but because God has walked me through them, they're no longer terrifying.  Do they upset me? sure! Do they bother me? definitely! I'm human.  But He doesn't let them terrify me.  Anytime I feel gripped with fear I just pray, cast my anxieties on Him, and as His word PROMISES He takes them away.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


  1. The one thing I am afraid of is having my medical problems progress such that I can no longer work making my 9 years of higher education worthless. I can deal with medical procedures, and the fear of dealing with a change in health status but not losing everything I worked so hard for.

    1. Thanks for your reply Brittney! I pray that never happens-and I have to believe that you will find a way to do what you love! You are so strong and determined! I feel that God gives us peace in all circumstances.

  2. Hi Milly, :)
    This brought tears to my eyes. You are truly amazing, you and God together!
    Thanks for sharing this, Milly. It's really helpful.
    And you happened to pick one of my favourite Bible verses!

    1. Thank you so much my friend. I hope all is well in your life!
      In Him.